March has been an interesting month indeed for Justin Bieber. The Canadian teen-moistener enjoyed a huge rise in popularity among normal people after his laughable attempt to punch a paparazzo. On the flip side, he pissed off his real fans by being late for one London concert, falling ill during another, then cancelling one of two outings in Portugal. As if that weren’t enough, he found time to mock Lindsay Lohan’s financial situation as well as allegedly getting booted out of a swanky Paris hotel. Busy busy.
So why the extreme solution alluded to in the title? Surprisingly, even though Bieber’s music is torturous to all but the criminally insane, that isn’t the main reason he should no longer be walking this Earth. It’s his psychotic followers, the so-called Beliebers, who have sealed his fate. As with most cults, these evil fuckers will jump on anyone who dares to criticise their Beloved Leader. They are as quick to turn on their own as they are outsiders, and they do it with the thoughtless cruelty that has become the bedrock of today’s social networks.
Take Olivia Wilde, a relatively famous actress/fashion model, as an example. Having tweeted her concern that young JB was at risk of hypothermia (“Bieber – put your fucking shirt on”), it wasn’t long before the Belieber SS had dumped over 17,000 hate-filled replies onto her timeline. True cynics might argue that, as Wilde benefited from plenty of free publicity, no harm was done. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated incident and, like massive drug overdoses, Beliebers don’t happen to celebrities alone.
Recently, a teenage girl who didn’t particularly like Bieber tweeted that his acoustic CD wasn’t actually that bad. Bieber retweeted the comment, but not before adding his own thanks. For the majority of his 34 million emotionally retarded followers, this was just too much. There followed a shitstorm of abuse, insults and even death threats, aimed at one poor girl whose only crime was questionable taste in music. And why? Because they had dedicated their life to His Biebness, so HOW DARE HE acknowledge her existence while remaining resolutely ambivalent to theirs? It was as if they were the housekeeper to Bieber’s reclusive billionaire – giving years of devoted service, hanging on his every word and telling him how wonderful he is…only for him to leave everything to the cat.
Such a disproportionate response shows just how many fucked up young people there are in the world and that’s why Bieber has to go. By harnessing this emotional instability that turns tweens into trolls, his sacrifice will benefit humanity both now and in the future. The inevitable flood of suicides following his untimely demise, though undoubtedly tragic in isolation, would drastically cut the number of illiterate fuckwits swimming in the gene pool, thereby giving some hope for the next generation. Best of all, twenty years from now there’d be huge drop off in the number of bitter, overweight, cat-owning singletons making office life a fucking misery, Beliebe me!