Thank you for your interest in joining the Twitter family. In order to assess your suitability we ask that you take a few minutes to complete the following questionnaire. Please answer truthfully.
1: What is your opinion of the average Facebook user?
a) What’s Facebook?
b) They’re ok really. It’s a matter of different strokes…
c) They’re illiterate fuck nuggets who make me wish the Mayans had been right.
2: Should you be accepted here at Twitter, what would be the subject of the first picture you post?
a) My child.
b) My dog.
c) My breakfast.
3: Do you think there should be a forum wherein celebrities can be viciously abused from the safety of relative anonymity?
a) No! In fact, that should be illegal.
b) Well, I guess it’s all about freedom of speech as long as no one is hurt.
c) Does Katie Price have fanny like a wizard’s sleeve?!
4: What do you believe you were in a past life?
b) I don’t really believe in that kind of thing.
c) Not sure, but it definitely involved pitchforks and flaming torches.
5: In real life, are you…
c) A sociopath?
6: If you became privy to a delicate secret that may not actually be true, would you…
a) Keep it to yourself?
b) Tell only your partner, swearing them to secrecy?
c) Write it down, changing the wording until it is not legally actionable, while at the same time still being fucking obvious what it’s about, then hand photocopies out to total strangers?
7: Do you snidely comment on every aspect of a TV show while simultaneously claiming to be watching for purely ironic reasons?
a) I don’t own a television.
b) I only watch shows I like and prefer to sit in silence.
c) When does X Factor start again?
8: What is the average time between any monumental event occurring and you making a joke about it?
a) I never joke about such things.
b) I always end up waiting to read other people’s jokes.
c) I’d done my first Michael Jackson joke before even he knew he was dead.
9: If you were in a group where everyone was trying to be heard without actually listening, what would you do?
a) I would leave immediately.
b) I would find someone interesting and listen to them.
c) I would probably just shout louder and say the word ‘fuck’ a lot.
10: Finally, you see a morbidly obese person crash their Rascal mobility scooter into a group of dwarves. Do you…
a) Keep walking. I don’t like to get involved.
b) Rush to help, stopping only to call an ambulance.
c) Try to stop laughing just long enough to take a photo.
Thank you. Now check your Twitter Suitability below, based on how you answered:
Sorry, but you don’t have what it takes to become one of the Twitterati. In fact, the chances are you don’t have what it takes to be a normal human being. You have no life, no sense of humour, not even a fucking TV. You clearly live in the past, preferring the obsolete values of days gone by to the widely accepted, modern ways. May we suggest that you try MySpace instead.
Close, but no cigar. While you are welcome to set up an account, we would recommend that you restrict your activity on the site to that of ‘Lurker’. The will following appeal to your sheep-like personality, and no posts means no scathing put-downs in reply that could send a sensitive soul like yourself over the edge.
Congratulations! You and Twitter will get along just fine. Your ability to see fault in everything and everyone dovetails perfectly with your pathological cruelty and cynicism. Now get in there and get an account. You’ll be hurling random insults around before you know it.