Opinion Polls

Every day people are dying of thirst, often walking miles to secure a trickle of water and a dirty trickle at that. According to the avalanche of junk mail I get, a mere £10 can help build a well and save countless lives. So if that’s the case, why spunk a fortune on expensive surveys asking if we should bother? Rather than spend thousands finding out that 48% of the population don’t donate because it goes straight into a dictator’s pocket, how about just using that cash to build wells? And while I’m at it, where do those 48% think the surveyor’s fee is going? AIDS research?

Having said that, at least those questionnaires can claim to have a purpose. Unlike most. In a recent issue of USA Today, for example, a front page snapshot solemnly revealed that 61% of Americans eat their takeaway on the drive home. Riveting stuff, of course, and on reading this breaking news only one question came to mind:

Who cares?

Let me ask that again… Who fucking cares? I mean, someone must have commissioned this monumental waste of time and money, but why? What could this information possibly be used for, apart from reinforcing the stereotype that 61% of Americans are fat bastards? [This isn’t true. The number is closer to 80%] Are car manufacturers losing sleep over whether or not the next Chevy Shitbucket needs a breakfast bar?

However, by far the worst type of survey is that created by a member of the public purely for personal reasons. Cast an eye over www.surveycentral.org and witness such vital subjects as “What is your favorite berry?” and the classic “What do you eat fries with?” Obviously ketchup was the runaway winner but someone actually bothered to post that they “don’t care for fries”. Pretty ironic as the chances are this guy is a heavy PC user and doesn’t hit the treadmill that often. If it’s not fries he cares for, you can bet your ass it’s cake.

The only surveyors I don’t avoid like the plague are those who spring ambushes on the high street. Whenever I see a clipboard wielding, hi-viz tabard, I live in hope that one day it’ll be the people from Family Fortunes.

Q: Name something a couple might save from their wedding day?

A: The sheets.

Q: Name something you might take in the bathroom?

A: An overdose.

Top answers, both!

Feel free to leave a reply. I'm not easily offended!