Jeremy Kyle

Who the fuck is Jeremy Kyle?

Consider the following points:

PSYCHOLOGY QUALIFICATIONS  ……….. NIL

PSYCHIATRY QUALIFICATIONS     ……….. NIL

COUNSELLING QUALIFICATIONS ……….. NIL

LIKEABILITY RATING                       ……….. NIL

Check out the reasons for the failure of his first marriage on his Wikipedia page. If correct, taking relationship advice from this man is like asking the Pope about childcare. And yet he has his own TV programme, seemingly broadcast every hour of every day. The JK Show is modelled on Jerry Springer, but the UK simply doesn’t have the same standard of weirdo and incest monger as the US. As such, Kyle is forced to parade an endless line of shell-suited fuckwits whose only other chance of appearing on TV is as a Crimewatch identikit picture.

In every show, Kyle achieves ‘results’ by shouting and belittling until the object of his disdain either storms off the stage or cries uncontrollably. He then adopts his caring persona to talk them back in front of the cameras before laying into them again. Each time, just before they leg it to the local pub/crack house, Kyle backs off. It’s like Tantric abuse. While this is going on, the audience is whipped into a frenzy. Kyle actively encourages them to form a lynch mob, apparently oblivious to the fact that most of them look like they ought to be on the stage. Once in a while, and I would definitely watch this, he should set his researchers on the crowd. Their closets probably resemble Fred West’s patio.

Occasionally, the subject will be something that cannot be solved by a DNA test on some poor infant with studs bolt-gunned through its 3-month-old ears. A great one was two fatties who claimed they just couldn’t lose weight, only for Kyle to read out their room service bill (dessert was a whole gateau, for fuck’s sake), but most tend to be shit. It’s as if the production team are just marking time until they find the next bunch of troglodytes to fight over a herpes-ridden, loose-lipped, baby machine. The entire show, though often compelling viewing in the same vein as a motorway pile-up or bowel surgery, is one massive demonstration of what happens when people are allowed to piss in the shallow end of the gene pool. Amazingly, despite the literally thousands of DNA tests, The Jeremy Kyle Show has yet to find the Missing Link.

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